


Forgotten Remembrance

by Schach



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schach/pseuds/Schach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The AU! one in which Charles does something drastic when Erik leaves and Erik may be the only one who can fix it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So all of this would not be as lovely as it could be without the lovely MaryAliceL <3 I owe her all of my love for the amazing job she did betaing for me! <3

_Call him, Charles. Call out to him, make him come back, tell him you love him, tell him everything, tell him you don’t want to breathe without him, that you can’t-_ Charles shudders, ignoring his own thoughts. Now is not the time. It’s too late.

“Good bye, my friend,” he whispers into the night air, the person it is intended for already gunning the motorcycle out of the driveway.

He stands for another long moment, unable to take his eyes off the last of Erik he feels he’ll ever see. His back stiff and leather clad, racing away from the Xavier mansion, not caring to look back, not even once.

Charles can feel the eyes of the children on him. Emotions and thoughts assaulting his mind, a tumultuous rush of _sadnessfearangerhurtpoorpoorcharlespoorcharlespoor-_

An arm is placed cautiously around his neck from behind, an awkward hug meant to comfort, only serving as a reminder that the only person he wanted to hold him like that, the person who would never hold him like that in the first place had just left.

“Charles, come inside. You’ll catch a cold out here,” Raven quietly admonishes, releasing him and reaching for his hand.

Raven leads him through the house, through the halls and up the stairs to his room, Charles following blindly behind her. The children shuffle hesitantly along behind the two, unsure of what to do. They have never before seen him as he is now. There is no bounce in his step, his feet dragging along behind Raven. They’ve never seen his shoulders so stooped, all traces of his trademark optimism missing from his face. Not knowing what to do, they keep their distance.

“Stop thinking so loudly,” he crossly mutters at them all, rubbing his temples as Raven forces him to sit on his bed, removing his shoes, pushing him back, tucking him in-

“I am not a baby,” he tries to protest. It comes out weak and shuddery.

“I know, Charles. I know you aren’t a baby. Please just let me take care of you right now,” she almost pleads and Charles, though he is trying so hard to block it all out he just can’t seem to muster enough energy, catches her grief tinged thoughts.

 _Fragile, so fragile, poor Charles, poor poor Charles._

“I’m all right, Raven,” he snaps irritated, and crushed, and he tries to put all of his anger into it to make it sound true, to make them believe that he is fine, that he will survive this, make it through, and be the same person he was.

But his voice cracks. There is a small waver in it. The children in the hallway hear it, Raven hears it, even Charles hears it. The evidence of his despair and desperation instantly bringing tears to his eyes and he rolls over to face the wall. They shouldn’t see him like this.

“We love you Charles,” his sister whispers in his ear, laying a kiss on his cheek before she ushers everyone out, closing the door firmly behind her.

Alone. He is alone. Alone. Not with Erik. Not anymore. Not ever again. Any way what is _their_ love compared to Erik’s? He is immediately racked by guilt for having that thought.

Then the tears fall. They pour and they crash and they cascade, drenching his pillow.

He sits up abruptly as a thought hits him. _His_ pillow. _The_ pillow. Erik’s pillow. The place Erik had laid his head a few nights ago.

Suddenly, he is as possessed as a mad man, he is ripping the covers away, grasping at the pillow on the other side of the bed, cradling it to his body, hugging and hugging, bringing it to his nose. He has to smell Erik again, because it is the closest he may ever be again and if only he can have a physical connection with Erik then maybe, just maybe, he can convince himself that he is coming back. That he just left for a bit. That even though he doesn’t know he carries Charles heart with him, he’ll bring it back safe and sound.

And he can’t smell anything but lavender. Lavender laundry soap. Because of the mess, he thinks. Because the blankets had smelled of sweat, and sex, and a mingle of Erik and Charles. He had thrown them in the wash, thinking that they’d have a chance to dirty them again later.

Charles has never hated anything in his life more than he hates the scent of lavender in that moment.

He draws his knees up, wrapping his trembling arms tightly around them, he realizes he is essentially holding himself together or maybe just hoping that if he can make a tight enough ball he can disappear. Disappear forever. Make these memories stop.

 _“Charles. I… I think I may … love you… “ Erik whispered into his hair, and Charles could feel the elation and lazy blissful contentment rushing through his body. Too tired to speak, he’d just pressed a chaste kiss to Erik’s collarbone before snuggling closer and falling asleep instantly._

He devotes barely a second to praying that no one is in hearing distance of his room before he allows himself to break down completely.

 

~

 

Charles wakes slowly in the morning thinking he hasn’t gotten enough sleep, but he can’t go back to bed. He can’t close his eyes and see the images of Erik that his horrid brain has been torturing him with. Even though he’s only slept for about two hours total, he uncurls from the fetal position he’s been in for the past nine hours and slowly edges off of the bed.

He tries to make himself presentable for breakfast, showers, and is surprised to find the moisture on his face isn’t from the steady stream of water around him, but his eyes. His puffy, swollen, baggy eyes. So he steers clear of the mirror, moving straight on to dressing, because if he saw what he must look like, he would probably never leave the room.

But he had to be strong for the kids. And it is this thought that gets him down the stairs, across the hall, and to the dining room door.

He can hear their light chatter, their quiet unspoken determination not to mention Erik. And he can feel their fear for him. Their thoughts racing with worry about their Professor.

With a deep anchoring breath Charles pushes the doors open, stepping over the threshold, all the faces in the room swirling collectively to look at him, forks paused halfway to mouths, conversation ceasing.

“Good Morning, Charles,” Raven nervously smiles, looking up from where she is making toast, “Want some?”

Charles just shakes his head mutely, sinking into an empty chair. His throat is too sore from ragged sobs to even think of speaking a full sentence above a whisper. He’s concentrating on pulling his mental shields up, blocking their thoughts from his, because he can see himself in their eyes and that is enough. He can’t bear the added weight of their minds.

“I could make tea for you,” Darwin states more than asks, and he is already moving, pushing back his chair, rising and moving into the kitchen so Charles just dumbly nods.

“Professor, I was going to ask you to help me work on Cerebro a little more today, just make a few minor adjustments, but if you don’t feel up to it-,” Hank tries, trailing off.

“No, Hank, I-,” Charles half forces out before clearing his throat and trying again, this time the ache in his throat a little easier to get past, “Sure. I can help you. Best that I don’t have too much free time on my hands today.”

This last part is meant as a joke, an attempt to draw all of the awkwardness out of the kitchen, but nobody laughs and Charles has a moment of panic. Why did he address it so openly? Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut? He screws his eyes shut, hands covering them as he leans forward, waiting for another to address the elephant in the room.

 _Don’t think of the elephant, don’t think of the elephant_ his mind chants at him, giving way to _Don’t think of the shark, the shark that isn’t in this room, the shark that may never be in this room again-_ he feels he may be becoming hysterical.

Darwin sets Charles’ tea down in front of him, English Breakfast Tea, not saying a word before retreating back to his seat.

“In that case, Professor, do you think we could work on my flying more today? I was trying by myself a little yesterday before …” Sean breaks off, having been about to mention the ‘E’ word, finishing sheepishly, “And I kind of hit a tree.”

He gestures vaguely to the scratches covering his freckled face.

Alex scoffs, scarfing toast down next to Sean, “I knew you hadn’t been in a fight, there’s no one around here to fight! Besides Hank, and even you could beat him.”

Hank ignores this, rolling his eyes in Alex’s direction, but Raven takes up his defense, laying a hand on his upper arm and observing him appreciatively, “I’ll bet Hank can take both of you with one hand behind his back.”

Alex and Sean are suddenly united as they both burst out laughing at Raven’s prediction.

“What’s going on?” Angel asks as she enters the room, rubbing sleepily at her eyes, always the last one to rise.

“Raven thinks that Hank could take on me and Sean together,” Alex manages to get out between bursts of loud obnoxious laughter.

As Raven jumps back in to defend her statement, and Hank tries to deter her, Sean and Alex begin making mocking bets of their own. Darwin looks on in amusement, chuckling every now and then, while Angel still isn’t awake enough to comprehend what is going on.

Charles cracks a small smile, amused for a moment by the bickering of his brood. He sips his tea, almost feeling better until he remembers that someone is missing. Then his smile abruptly vanishes.

 

~

 

 All day long it’s _work, work, work, don’t stop, don’t think, ignore that knowing look in the children’s eyes, ignore that phantom stabbing in your chest, ignore, ignore, pretend, pretend,_ almost like a prayer to be repeated over and over in his head, and if he just remembers it, Charles will survive. He’ll be okay. He _will_.

Even so, it is a relief when the day is over and dinner has been had. The kids were all maneuvering their way into the den to watch their favorite late night television shows. But Charles finds himself lingering in the kitchen, unsure of what to do with himself.

Every night without fail, he’s headed to the library, the library where the chess set waits. It is there in that room that Erik would pour their wine while Charles lovingly set up the pieces; it is in that room where they were closest. Or it had been.

Until _that_ night. The night he’d stopped Erik half way to the library, laid a trembling hand on his arm, turned him around and led him back to his room.

He had already given Erik his heart, so why not let him have the body too?

Erik hadn’t rejected his body. But his heart, _that_ had been stolen and thrown into a metal container, strapped messily to the back of that damn motorcycle he’d gone racing off on.

 _Could it have been stolen if I gave it to him?_ Charles wonders, trying to feel empty as he stares out the window. He feels nauseous from all the emotions swirling around in him, for once entirely his own. He’d rather feel nothing than face all of this.

“Charles?” asks a soft voice from the doorway.

“Yes?” he asks, whirling guiltily around. He should be taking care of his charges, not moping about whining about his life.

Angel gives him a small smile, walking forward and wiping away the tears that he hadn’t noticed falling with her thumb, “We want you to pick a movie for us all to watch.”

Remembering the whispers he’d ignored all day, he lets his walls drop a little. Reaching out and skimming over the outer thoughts of the other’s minds, he is touched and has the urge to cry even more.

They’re determined to be strong for him. To urge him forward, help him recover.

And they don’t even know. Don’t even know what has happened between him and Erik, what has been happening all along. They don’t know that Charles had fallen for the aloof and hardened man, that Charles had never wanted anything more in his life. That for a moment he had had it. That Erik had been his.

 “You don’t have to go off and be by yourself,” Angel half pleads, slipping her hand into his, whispering the next part through the beginnings of her own tears, “We’re a family. And we’ll get through this together.”

He sees a flash of all the kids huddled together in the other room, needing to be reassured as much as he did. Why hadn’t he noticed? They were shattered too; afraid their newfound family was going to crumble.

“We are a family. I’m so sorry,” Charles apologizes, but for what he doesn’t know. Is he apologizing for not noticing their pain earlier? Apologizing for Erik’s departure? For what?

“Come on then, let’s go find a comedy to watch,” he sighs, leading her into the den where the others wait, worried eyes observing his face as soon as he enters the room.

Dropping Angels’ hand, he moves to the middle of the room, taking them all in.

In a strange way it seems as if Erik’s departure is forcing them all closer, he realizes, seeing all the small ways the children are reaching out to comfort one another.

Raven is holding onto a slightly alarmed Hank, but he isn’t pushing her away for once, maybe even leaning closer. Alex and Sean are both squeezed onto the couch next to them, not complaining about space, but seemingly enjoying the companionship, Darwin sitting in front of them leaned against their legs. Angel is sinking down next to him, in front of Hank and Raven, leaving a small enough space for the professor to squeeze in.

His mind flashes back to a lecture he’d attended once about humans needing human contact, and he is quickly coming to the conclusion that this is also true for mutants. Right now he wants nothing more than to sit down in the space provided and be surrounded by his family, taking and offering comfort.

 _Except Erik isn’t here,_ his mind tries to tell him but he hushes it quickly, grabbing the remote and climbing in between Angel and Darwin.

“Let’s start having a family night once a week. Tonight will be the first,” he announces gravely, not directly addressing the tension, but calming it all the same. They’ll always be a family.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. The next chapter. Beta'd by the lovely MaryAlice and it wouldn't flow at all if it were not for her. So I hope you enjoy it! And thank you all so much for the kudos and kind reviews. I actually had a few tears over the whole thing, but I won't tell if you won't.

“Good Morning all,” Charles sings as he enters the kitchen for breakfast. Raven is surprised to see such a large grin on his face. Firstly Charles hates mornings and secondly, even though it has been exactly three weeks two days and some odd amount of hours since Erik left (not that anyone is counting), he hasn’t smiled like that since well before the man’s abrupt departure.

“Morning Charles,” Raven smiles back, a little saddened by the effort he is so clearly trying to put into pretending that he hasn’t been destroyed.

There is a typical murmur of mornings, hellos and whatever Angel says that is muffled by the arm her face is currently buried in as Charles occupies his seat at the head of the table.

“Darwin? I’ll have coffee today please, I’m not in the mood for tea this morning I am afraid,” he says with a slight smile as Darwin heads across the kitchen.

It has become a sort of ritual for Darwin to make Charles a cup of English Breakfast Tea every morning and he shares a look of concern with Raven as he sets about making the requested coffee.

Raven starts to think maybe he’s finally decided to move on, he’s decided to stop pretending that it’s okay when they all know it isn’t. That’s before she sits next to him and has a closer look.

His usually piercing blue eyes seem a little glazed over and she can smell a very strange mixture of alcohol on his breath.

Her eyes widen in understanding. He must have finally gone into the library. And in there he had probably rediscovered the liquor cabinet, amongst other things. Other things being memories.

She lays a comforting hand on his arm, trying to assure him through her touch. It saddens her that Charles had to go into the library alone in the middle of the night, but she knows that the only way he can deal with whatever is happening is by himself. They are just there for support.

“How was it?” Darwin asks curious but gentle, sitting across from Raven, handing Charles his cup.

“How was what?” Sean asks nosily, looking up from the biscuits and gravy he has been noisily devouring for the past few minutes, oblivious to everything around him.

“Shut up, Sean,” Alex hisses as he elbows the other in the side. He can tell something funny is going on and he doesn’t want to miss it.

“I believe Darwin is asking about me spending the night in the library. Correct?” Charles asks.

At this statement, Angel’s head jerks up alarmed. Sean begins choking on his food and Hank tries to beat it out of him as Alex and everyone else are too busy staring at the Professor.

And it would appear to everyone at the table that he is immensely amused by their concern; by the way he raises both eyebrows and tries to hide a laugh behind his cup.

“It was fine. It’s just a library,” Charles continues happily, “I’ll admit that I did find the alcohol, and I haven’t quite been to sleep yet. I had a lovely time, so you can all relax your minds. It’s not like the library is haunted, you know.”

He pauses for a moment, a look of confusion and irritation making his smile disappear before he rouses himself and resumes his breakfast. He can’t place the dark haired man all of the children have simultaneously thought of, but something in the back of his mind tells him not to worry about it. So he doesn’t.

“So … You’re okay with the whole … Erik thing then?” Sean presses, rather tactfully if he does say so himself.  Until Alex kicks him really hard under the table.

“God Sean, way to be tasteful!” Angel scolds as well, tossing a piece of sausage at him.

“Sorry,” Sean mutters red-faced, ducking the meat and turning to look in the Professor’s direction. He’d figured if the Professor was okay they could say the illegal “E” word again.

“Oh don’t apologize, Sean. I must ask though, why is everyone at this table bracing themselves for whatever terrible emotion I am supposed to be feeling right now. I honestly can’t seem to remember what I am supposed to be so upset about,” Charles laughs, only trying to reassure everyone that it’s fine. That he isn’t mad at Sean.

 That’s why Charles is genuinely confused when the musings and emotions of those around him don’t immediately lighten. He skims their minds, puzzled with all the different thoughts that he picks out. And suddenly they’re all blending together. A mantra, repeating and fluxing, turning into alarm and true fear…

 _Oh dear god, what has he done? Poor Professor. It was too much. Why didn’t we see? Why doesn’t he remember?_

“I’m sorry,” Charles says, trying to calm the situation, to protect his family from whatever has gone wrong that they are all upset about.

“Charles,” Raven asks slowly, and Charles is too distracted to hear the rest of her question. His attention is drawn to the handsome, alluring man in her mind. The name is plucked easily enough from her mind. _Erik._

Raven is watching him now with unshed tears in her eyes, obviously expecting an answer. For that matter, the whole table has fallen silent and still. All eyes on Charles.

“I’m sorry, what did you say? I was distracted. You all are projecting some gorgeous man at me. Raven did you get a new boyfriend?” he jokes, desperately trying to figure out what is wrong with everyone.

“I said, ‘what did you do Charles,’” Raven repeats, no hint of a smile on her face.

“I haven’t done anything,” he says crossly, “I came down here to eat breakfast and all of a sudden no one is happy anymore. Why won’t somebody tell me what is going on?”

“Okay, Charles. Do you remember what you did last night?” Darwin presses, taking control of the situation because Raven has sank back in her chair, hands covering her eyes, shoulders shaking lightly.

Charles smiles when Hank wraps an arm around her before he nods his head and answers quickly, “Yes. I couldn’t sleep so I decided to go to the library. I felt like I had to go, like it was time. Because I hadn’t been since …. Well, because I hadn’t been in a really long time, right? I used to go the library all the time. I don’t know why I stopped going.”

Charles is beginning to prattle, searching for answers that seem to have been blanked from his mind. Why had he stopped going to the library? He’d found it too painful. Yes that’s why, because – _Stop, stop you’re going too far, you aren’t strong enough for this_ his mind practically sobs.

 So he stops.

“Anyway, I don’t know why I went. I just went,” he finishes lamely.

“What did you do in the library, Professor?” Darwin prods further, trying to come to some understanding.

“Well,” Charles thinks hard, everything is hazy and he wastes no time in assuming that it is due to the massive amount of alcohol he must have consumed, “I … was touching the chess set, someone had left it mid game, which made me sad. I was talking out loud to whoever did it, I think. I said a bunch of …”

Charles stops, tears in his eyes, “I don’t know who I was talking to. And I don’t want to know. I remember some of what I said. It wasn’t nice… I’m sorry. I’m tired all of a sudden. I’m going to go to bed. Night all.”

Without waiting for any replies, Charles rushes out of the room. Darwin follows quickly behind him, checking to make sure he does, in fact, go back to bed.

“Did he just tell us good night even though it’s, like, ten in the morning?” Sean asks, breaking the tense silence a few moments later.

“Fuck man, that is the least of our worries right now,” Alex groans, rubbing a hand through his hair, “The Prof has lost his shit.”

“Alex is right,” Raven echoes, voice shaky with tears, “Charles has lost his shit. Majorly.”

“Well, what do we do? I mean he doesn’t remember Erik. At all, like he never existed,” Angel worries at her lip, leaning forward as she says her next bit, “Do we let him forget? Just pretend Erik was never here?”

“He may not outwardly know Erik was here, but in a way it’s like he somehow does,” Darwin sighs, reentering the room and taking his seat again, “He didn’t even go into his own room. He went right into Erik’s room and laid down in there muttering about being sorry and how he just can’t remember.”

“He did this to himself. That’s the worst part,” Raven moans, “I just know it. He was trying to be the strong one for us. Like we were doing for him, and it was just too much. He shouldn’t have gone in that library all alone.”

“He must have focused his telepathy inward, making himself forget the thing that was causing him too much pain, which in this situation would be Erik,” Hank says slowly, puzzling over how this could have happened.

“So what do we do?” Angel asks again, a hint of desperation in her voice, “We’ve already lost Erik. We _cannot_ lose the professor too!”

“We won’t lose him, Angel,” Darwin murmurs in what he hopes is a comforting tone, patting her back, “Like you said, we’re a family, remember? It’ll all work out.”

“Wait! I’ve got it!” Sean explodes excitedly, a grin covering his entire face, and everyone just stares at him because Sean _never_ has _any_ good ideas. _Ever._

“Here we go,” Alex mutters under his breath, wilting a little when Raven shoots him a glare.

“Go ahead Sean,” she prods, leaning forward and feigning a look of interest.

“Well it’s obvious that we’ll just have to bring Erik back here,” Sean explains quickly lest he lose their attention, “I mean, if the Professor is forced to actually deal with the situation, it’ll go away right? He can’t pretend Erik isn’t there if he’s right in front of his face.”

Following this statement is a heavy silence.

“Sean, you are a genius!” Alex exclaims, punching his arm, because even if he is giving the other boy a compliment he is going to be manly about it. He certainly isn’t going to kiss Sean on the cheek like Angel and Raven are gratefully doing.

“I only tell you that all the time, Alex,” Sean retorts and he is red in the face, but everyone gets the feeling that it isn’t from the girls.

“Now the only problem is,” Darwin sighs, “And I hate to put a damper on things, but how do we find Erik? We don’t know even know why he left, let alone where to.”

Another heavy silence until-

“We could always ask the Professor to help us find Erik with Cerebro. He did think it was Raven’s boyfriend…” Hank suggests, looking a little bit off color when he uses the words ‘Raven’ and ‘boyfriend’ in the same sentence.

“Uhm, I don’t think that he really meant that other than as a joke. Charles knows who I like,” Raven supplies nervously, shifting a little away from Hank.

“Yeah, Raven, everyone knows who you like _but_ the person you like,” Sean laughs, earning himself a swift kick in the knee from Angel.

“I don’t know who Raven likes,” Hank says. He is obviously trying to help the situation and doesn’t get it when his statement earns a few smirks.

“I think we should do this without Charles,” Raven hurriedly mutters, abruptly changing the subject back to previous, much more important matters.

“How can we do this without the Professor? That’s next to impossible. We can’t just call the police and say ‘Hey, our metal bender dad left us and now our other dad, who, by the way is a telepath, has gone insane, could you help us please?’ That is not how the real world works, Raven,” snips Alex.

“I think if we involved the Professor right now, he’d only be more confused. Probably even more hurt than he is now. Or was. Whichever it is,” Raven is explaining, all the while moving in to whisper confidentially, “I … kind of know something I think I wasn’t supposed to, and if it’s true than the Professor is more emotionally messed up than you guys think.”

“Shit,” Darwin moans, dropping his head in his hands, “Just when I thought there weren’t going to be any other mysteries to unravel today.”

“How could this whole mess be any worse Raven?” Angel forces herself to ask.

“Well,” Raven whispers gingerly, “I think that Charles and Erik were … involved _._ ”

She expects a million different reactions, but not the one she gets. She isn’t expecting the overbearing sigh from Alex, the eye roll from Angel and the cut off laugh from Darwin. Obviously they hadn’t gotten her point.

“Raven, we all know that the Professor and Erik had the hots for each other,” Sean says patiently, he thinks maybe if he says it slow enough she’ll catch on.

“I didn’t know that,” Hank objects, looking confused, and it really is such a cute look that Raven finds herself patting his arm affectionately, murmuring soothingly, “Of course you didn’t.”

“Right. Sorry, Raven, but that’s nothing new. Everyone who’s capable of thought knew that,” Alex laughs.

“I didn’t know!” Hank repeats, offended that it might be implied that he didn’t have a brain.

“Back on topic, guys,” Raven scolds, “That’s not what I meant. I mean, I think that they were … you know, doing _it.”_

“ _It_? You mean they were doing _the_ deed?” Angel manages to ask, her eyes wide, a smile beginning to blossom, the kind that only juicy gossip will stimulate.

“Doing what?” Hank repeats, clearing his throat. Again he is confused.

“The professor was banging Erik?!” Sean blurts, around the same time that Hank realizes ‘it’ does indeed mean sex and is subsequently turning beet red.

Alex just sits there with a smug look on his face, “I knew they couldn’t be that tense around each other for no reason. They wanted to sex each other up.”

“Sex each other up? Really Alex? You sound like Sean,” Angel giggles.

Darwin and Raven are the only two still with a straight face, looking at the situation as adults and seeing why this is all so wrong.

“How do you know?” he asks her, tuning out the other kids still discussing the dynamics.

“Well. A few nights before Erik left I went to get a drink around chess time, and on the way back I saw Charles leading Erik into his room. I sat there for a while waiting to see if he’d come out again… But I heard … noises and decided it was a lovely time to leave.”

The kids all laugh at what she’s just said. Whooping and carrying on, until Darwin snaps, “What is wrong with you guys? That doesn’t mean they lived happily ever after, it means Erik left the Professor right after they’d crossed that line.”

There is a sudden end to the jokes, then a chorus of “shit” and “Poor Professor” and even a “That asshole”, as they all see the way Charles had been behaving in a brand new light.

“I say we change our plans; we find Erik, bring him back here and kill him, and then let him help the professor,” Alex says angrily. However unrealistic it is, everyone finds themselves echoing the sentiment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that took me forever to write in which Erik finally, maybe gets an inkling that something isn't right...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So everyone should know I adore my beta, Malice. I don't deserve her amazingness :)

There is a man hovering over him, lying between his legs, propped up by his elbows on either side of Charles. He’s shirtless and his normally perfect hair is curling around his flushed face.

  
“Charles, love, what did you do?” the man asks tenderly, and his voice is so gentle, so concerned that Charles is smiling before he realizes it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I honestly haven’t done anything but love you,” he whispers, looking away. He isn’t sure why he’s said it, but he knows it is true. He accepts it as soon as it leaves his mouth.

“I know.” The man presses a chaste kiss to his throat, sighing deeply as he does so. Charles knows that he is stalling, he’s waiting, he can’t turn his head back, can’t look at his companion again until he knows he is loved. The man has to say it. Or else it isn’t real.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” the man asks, he is placing a gentle hand on his Charles’ cheek, trying to turn his face back to him, but Charles is already whipping his head around.

“Erik, I did. I did tell you. I told you in every conceivable way,” he’s tearing up, and the man is gently caressing his face as if afraid he’ll disappear at any moment.

“But not with words,” Erik says.

“No, not with words,” Charles concedes, “You weren’t ready. You didn’t want to be told.”

“I needed it, Charles. I didn’t want it, but I needed it,” is Erik’s reply and he’s withdrawing suddenly.

Charles can’t feel him anymore, he’s cold. He’s reaching out to find him again and now he’s awake. Now he is alone. Again.

He doesn’t question why he’s had such an intimate dream with a stranger he’s only seen in the minds of others. He just feels and he’s half awake and before he knows it he’s buried his face in his cold pillow, sending his mind out to find Erik’s. He has to find him.

He’s suddenly lying in a large bed, the sheets scratchy and heavy, only he’s really back at the mansion in his own bed. He’s projected himself into Erik’s mind, and as the man sleepily stirs, rolling closer to meet him in the middle, he may as well be there physically.

“Charles… I miss you,” he mumbles content with sleep as the smaller man sinks into his arms, pressing as close as possible.

“Erik,” Charles sighs and he is inhaling a scent that is familiar and foreign all at once. It tempts him like a memory flitting just out of reach, but how could he forget such a heady comforting smell?

“Erik, kiss me. Please. I need it,” he whimpers, because he does need it. It is more important than air, it is imperative that he kiss this strange man that feels like home. He must do it or something will break and it will hurt and he’ll have no control over it.

His panic and desperation is rising, is spiraling out of control when Erik finally closes the distance between them, and tenderly presses their lips together. Gently, hesitantly as if afraid to move to fast, afraid that if he pushes any closer Charles might shatter, like a dream.

For that’s what Charles is to Erik, a dream, a fervent wish to undo what’s been done, a chance to say what hasn’t been said and be accepted back home with open arms.

He pulls back when he feels a salty wetness being shared between soft fleeting kisses.

“Charles, why are you crying?” he whispers, raising a trembling finger to wipe at his eyes. He’s confused, because if he’s dreaming why is Charles crying? There is a broken rejected sadness etched into his face that wasn’t there last time he’d dreamt of him. All of his dreams involving Charles have only ever been pleasant. His face has only ever smiled for Erik, loving, open and warm.

“I’m so sad and alone, Erik, but I don’t know why. All of the children think of you constantly … Though lately, they’re more angry than anything. What did you do? Do you know why I’m so empty? Will you tell me?” Charles’ pleads, threading his hands through Erik’s.

The man’s name is all Erik manages to get out as he stares at the body crushed against his. He doesn’t know what to say. Nothing Charles has said makes any sense. Nothing registers but the first line. Charles is alone and sad because of him. His fault. He has to fix it, has to go back to the mansion and make it all better, even though he’s promised himself he’ll never return.

“Charles,” he tries again, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Let me come home, let me come back please?”

“Home?” Charles asks hopefully, pulling back and looking at him with a small triumphant smile, “I knew you belonged there. I can’t picture you there, but I can feel it. I knew it, Erik, see?”

Then he’s assaulted with feelings and images; thoughts of someone missing, someone that should be there, and despair, hurt, and confusion.

Erik is stiffening. This dream is confusing, it hurts, and he wants out.

“Charles, what are you talking about?”

“I don’t know anymore. I think I know I belong to you. And you to me. But why are you so far away then? How come you aren’t … Why don’t I know you, Erik?”

“You do know me, Charles. You know me better than anyone,” Erik pleads, and he is pressing his lips back to Charles’. His lips are quivering, probing, or begging, though he isn’t sure which.

Charles lets the kiss continue in a detached state. Observing the way Erik is running long slender fingers soothingly over his back, the way he has pulled his body back, no longer touching Charles, not sure if he has the permission.

Not wanting to be rejected when it was him all along. He had done the rejecting. He was the one to turn away.

“But Erik, I don’t,” Charles is saying, and he feels like the words are being ripped out of his throat as he whispers against those damned lips, “I don’t know you at all.”

The look on Erik’s face as he opens his eyes, that look will stay with him forever. When he closes his eyes it will be there. When he opens his eyes he will see it. And suddenly it’s all too much: the naked pain in Erik’s eyes, the tension roaring between their bodies, the way he craves this man with every fiber of his being and the way he still doesn’t know how or why.

He wrenches himself away, and he is back in his own mind. He is gasping for air, jumping out of bed and running to the bathroom because he is going to be sick.

~

Raven is sitting in the kitchen with Hank, their stools close enough to touch, mugs of hot chocolate clutched in their hands.

“Raven, it’s been a week already and we’ve made no progress,” he pauses for a moment letting the fact settle in before continuing on, “I think we should involve the professor.”

“Hank, I really don’t want him dragged into this. He shouldn’t have to think about Erik any more than he has been,” Raven frowns, taking a sip of her drink to avoid looking at him.

Hank frowns, placing an arm around her and pulling her over so that her head is resting on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he soothes, “about all of this. But I don’t know how else we can find Erik. We have to do it soon though. The others are starting to give up and Charles is only getting worse.”

Raven sighs and presses her face into his neck, mumbling, “What if bringing Erik back here is a bad idea? What if something bad happens to Charles? I can’t let him get hurt again, Hank.”

Suddenly nervous, Hank begins to move back, causing Raven to release her mug and wrap both arms around his torso. They’ve never been so close and she can’t bear the thought of him moving even an inch away. She doesn’t want to think of how Charles must be feeling.

Wrapping his other arm slowly, hesitantly around her, Hank reasons, “Raven, it’s the only way. He’s looking for someone he can’t remember, someone he can’t find and it’s going to drive him crazy. He’s been drinking every single night and running nonstop all day so his memories can’t catch up.”

Raven is opening her mouth to reply, when there is a flash of pain and Charles voice in her head, _Raven, help if you would, please_.

“I’ll be right back, stay here,” she says, untangling herself, “Charles needs me.”  
“Raven?” she hears Charles call out from the bathroom connected to Erik’s room, his voice trembling with unshed tears, when she comes running into the room.

He is hunched between the toilet and the tub, hugging his knees tightly to his body. His eyes blood shot and the bags under them only serve to make him look more desolate.

“Charles, oh my god, come here,” she orders, sinking to her knees and pulling him into her arms where he collapses into a shuddering, sobbing mess, “What happened?”

“I was there, and he was so hurt, Raven, and I couldn’t fix it, because I don’t know, I don’t know how,” Charles is gasping for air.  
Raven doesn’t have to ask who he is. Charles was in Erik’s mind. He’d gone and done what Raven had spent the past week trying to talk Hank out of making him do.

“Charles, I’m sorry,” she frowns, tears beginning to form in her eyes as well at the sight of her brother curled up in her arms weeping, “I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix it.”

She smiles a little, remembering a thing they’d done to cheer themselves in their youth and whispers, “Why don’t you scream it all out?”  
He looks at her hesitating a moment, unsure if she is being serious or not.

“Come on then Charles, I’ll scream with you,” she prompts. Without waiting for a response she opens her mouth and lets forth an angry scream, loud as can be and uncaring of the house’s sleeping inhabitants.

Shocked, Charles utters a surprised laugh before launching into a scream of his own. It’s joking and laughing at first, turning into something more primal and hurting as it continues.

A throat is cleared nervously in the doorway and they both turn to see Hank standing there with the kitchen phone in his hand.

“He’s called five times demanding to speak to Charles. I keep hanging up, but he keeps calling right back,” Hank explains. He sounds frightened and irritated all at once.

Raven glares at the offending phone, hating the way Charles is tensing in her arms, “Hang up on the asshole.”

Hank pushes the end button, sets the phone on the floor and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him, blocking out the kids who’ve gathered in the hallway.

Instantly the phone is ringing again.

Charles shifts out of Raven’s grasp, a horrified look on his face and he’s hunching over the toilet again, violently sick.

“Hank, if you hang up on me one more fucking time, I will come back there and meld that phone to your-,” Erik is threatening as Raven answers the phone, cradling it to her ear with her shoulder, rubbing calmingly on Charles’ back.

“Hello asshole,” she growls.

“Raven! Put Charles on the phone,” he demands, ignoring her less than fond pet name.

“No, even if I felt like giving him the phone, which I don’t, Charles is too busy purging right now to speak to you,” Raven denies him, tsking angrily.

“What? Why?” Erik asks, concern heavy in his voice.

“Because you upset him with whatever you did,” Raven accuses, “He hasn’t stopped long enough to tell me what it was.”

There is a long pause on the phone, only broken by a sigh every now and then. Charles gets up, washes his face and goes to collapse in the bed. Finally Erik says, “I’m coming home, Raven. I’ll come back and fix everything.”

His voice sounds so broken that Raven softens towards him for a moment. She sighs as he’d done moments before, watching the children sneak into the room and crawl into the bed around he brother.

“I’m sorry, Erik, but I think it’s too late,” Raven whispers, and her heart breaks for being the bearer of such news, “Charles erased you from his memory. He … he doesn’t know who you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thanks to Jay, my lovely lovely Dahlink, aka Dumats-Bloomers on tumblr for reading this over every five minutes and giving me such positive reinforcement! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Here be angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only as beautiful as it is thanks to my beta, Mary Alice. Guys she is absolutely amazing, and I utterly adore her! She puts time and effort into making this the best it can be. So Malice, if you read this, I love you so much! Thank you! <3

Erik stares at the door, wondering if he should go inside. It’s only seven am on a Saturday so everyone inside is, no doubt, asleep, especially Charles. If he goes in now he can be firmly settled into the mansion before Raven can try to kick him out. Sighing, he reaches out with his power and unlocks the heavy bolt letting himself back into the place that had almost become home.

Hoisting his bag over his shoulder, he silently creeps down the hallway, and up the stairs, pausing at the door to Charles’ room. He wants to go in, but unsure of his welcome, he squares his shoulders and continues on down the hall towards his old room.

Pushing the door open, he steps into the room only to step back in surprise, because there are people in _his_ bed.

There’s Alex and Sean, one giant tangled mess that he can only identify by their hair, and then on the other side of the bed Angel is snuggled up to Darwin. Between them, his face drawn with tension even in sleep, lays Charles. _His_ Charles.

“Erik,” says the sleep lined voice of Hank, and he looks over to see him untangling himself from Raven on the rug in front of the fireplace, “Kitchen. We shouldn’t wake them up…”

No. Erik does not want to go into the kitchen. He doesn’t want to leave this room. He wants to march over to that bed and pull Charles into his arms, the only place he belongs. He wants to wake the man and fix it, make it all better, promise Charles that it is all okay, it will all be okay, and they’ll have some kind of happily ever after. But he can’t, so here he is, nodding, dropping his bags and following Hank out of the room down to the kitchen.

Hank sits at the table, gesturing to the seat next to him, but Erik leans against the counter instead, crossing his arms as he glares angrily at the younger man. They sit this way for a while, silent, each waiting for the other to begin.

“You hung up on me last night,” Erik finally bites out, unsure of how to begin this conversation. He’s always left, left everything, but this is the first time he’s come back. The first time he has to deal with the consequences of leaving the people he’s let close.

“Well, Charles was in no state to talk to you last night,” Hank replies and Erik swears he can hear a hint of anger in his voice. Though impressed by this misplaced act of bravery, Erik is not amused. He isn’t sure where Hank decided to go and get balls, but he doesn’t want to deal with it, especially when Hank has no right to be angry. Or rather he does, but Erik has more of a reason than him.

“Why are they all asleep in my room?” Erik asks, and the question is slipping out before he can stop it, because he is still supposed to be angry, fuming even, but certainly not concerned enough about Charles and the children to sullenly add, “In my bed.”

Hank actually manages to glare at him, “It’s not your room anymore. You left, remember?”

Erik, his patience already thin, glares at the other, snaps, “Hank, please. I’m back now. I need to know what is going on.”  
He balls his hands into fists, ignoring, or maybe _hiding_ , the fact that they may be shaking, while giving Hank a chance to answer him before he begins raging again, because all he wants, all he needs is information about Charles. He needs for Hank to tell him that Charles is fine, that they’re all just pulling some horrible, distasteful trick.

“That’s where Charles sleeps now. Every night since…,” Hank mutters darkly, trailing off without finishing the thought.

“Since he ‘erased’ me from his memory?” Erik snorts, “I don’t believe this at all. This is some elaborate joke: some way to get me to come back here. Charles wouldn’t _make_ himself forget me, that’s laughable.”

“Glad to see you think this is funny,” Alex says archly from the doorway, a rumpled Sean glaring at him from behind. Erik could swear the red head even mouthed the word “fucker”, but he was going to overlook that for the moment.

“Anyway, you’ll find out soon enough when he wakes up,” Hank sighs, “Could be a while though. Sean, Alex, help me with breakfast?”

Erik moves to the table, watching the three maneuver easily around the room, wondering why Charles isn’t present. He’s the worst cook in the house, but for some reason, unknown to everyone but Charles, he’s always in the middle of any food preparation. Even when it’s impossibly early, he is to be found shuffling around the kitchen, if only because he wouldn’t miss a family breakfast for the world, though he hates mornings more than most.

Alex blatantly ignores Erik, and Sean is trying to do the same, failing miserably by sending him a dirty look every few seconds. Hank is busy dragging out pots and pans when Darwin stumbles his way into the kitchen.

“Raven and the professor will probably be out for a while guys,” he says, before glancing over and noticing Erik, whom he promptly decides to ignore, continuing, “So make sure we save food for them.”

“Morning, Darwin,” Erik says loudly, “Nice to see you again.”

“Erik, I hope you can fix this,” Darwin sighs, giving him an even look before stepping over to the coffee pot, turning it on, but his anger is betrayed by the way his outer calm doesn’t match his eyes and the tense slope of his shoulders.

Erik just shakes his head, cracking an unsure smile. They’re going overboard with this. Charles knows who he is. He would never voluntarily wipe Erik from his mind. The thought is ridiculous. He would normally just throttle the kids and be done with it, but somehow they got Charles in on this too. Was it maybe payback for him leaving?

“Who left this stupid bag in front of the door? I almost broke my neck,” Angel’s furious voice bursts angrily into the room from the hall, Erik’s bag flying into the kitchen right behind it.

Moments later she strides into the room, glowering at the four boys in the kitchen, “Which one of you did it? I will _kill_ you.”

The silence in the kitchen is heavy as every head swivels as one in Erik’s direction.

“Angel,” Erik smiles genuinely, standing and moving across the room to speak with her. They’d had a connection while he was there, both being completely unused to the family atmosphere at the Xavier Mansion, and while he knew she wasn’t a morning person, she at least would be happy to see him, he thought.

He’d thought wrong.

“Dick,” Angel mutters angrily, turning back to the boys, “Who let the philanderer into the house?!”

The boys all sputter, quickly turning back to their previous tasks, pretending not to have heard her.

“Don’t you come any closer, Erik Lehnsherr,” she warns him angrily, holding up her hands, “I would happily kill you right now. But I won’t because the professor wouldn’t want that.”

To Erik’s surprise _she_ is moving closer, taking a finger and jabbing it forward into his chest, “You’d better make this better, or I’ll hurt you as bad as you’ve hurt the professor. Got that?”

She is practically growling at him when she marches over to Darwin and demands a cup of coffee.

“Don’t drink it all; it’s the Professor’s. We don’t want to throw off his routine,” Darwin mumbles, obviously hoping Erik isn’t listening, even though he is well aware that he is.

“Oh please, he doesn’t need any coffee at all. When he wakes up all he’ll need is a bucket of water and maybe another toilet,” Angel scoffs quietly.

Darwin’s expression softens at the concern that manages to leak out past the anger in her voice and he gets out a coffee mug, handing it to her slowly, brushing her fingers comfortingly with his, “Drink as much as you want, I can always make more.”

“Speaking of drinking,” Hank exhales wearily, “The bottles in the library cabinet are completely empty, and there are three more bottles than there were yesterday.”

“Where does he keep getting all this booze from?” Sean asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, didn’t you lock it and hide the key or something?” Alex asks Darwin, narrowing his eyes in confusion.

Darwin mutters, rolling his eyes, “You all forget the man is a telepath. An alcoholic telepath, but a telepath all the same.”

“He drank all of that, in the course of a month?” Erik presses, raising an eyebrow questioningly. This was Charles they were talking about. He usually passed out before he’d even finished half a bottle, “That cabinet had enough liquor to fill an Olympic sized pool.”

“All he does is drink now, all night, every night,” Alex says and he is glaring openly at Erik.

“Wonder why?” Sean asks in a mocking tone as he too stares Erik down.

“Enough,” Darwin snaps at the two boys, “We shouldn’t bicker. We need to keep the peace until Charles is better. Then you can provoke Erik all you want.”

The kids all nod their agreement, eyeing Erik with distaste as they gather plates for their food, and Erik suddenly feels like he is the captain of a mutinous ship. One wrong move and he is done for.

He helps himself to a plate, since they’d all _conveniently_ forgotten to get him one, and sits down in his old spot at the head of the table. The kids all huddle down at the other side of the table, and Erik tries to be amused by it, ignoring the acute feeling of shame crawling down his spine. What has he done?

“Shit. It’s almost nine!” Raven yells, somewhere on the stairs, “Why didn’t anyone wake me? I need to blockade the door so that asshat doesn’t just come waltzing back in here like he owns the damn pla-.”

She stops abruptly in the middle of her sentence, having walked into the room, her eyes immediately landing on Erik, who is more than a little surprised by the fact that she is in her natural blue form.

“How did you get in here? I locked the door,” she all but hisses, frozen in anger to the floor. When he merely raises an eyebrow, she turns on her heels, disappearing out the door and ordering over her shoulder, “You. Outside. Now.”

“Shit, Dick-neto is in trouble,” Alex snickered into his hand, poking Sean in the side.

“Dick-neto, nice one,” Sean guffaws, going for a high five and earning himself a glare from Erik as he pushes his chair back and follows Raven out into the front yard.

“Raven?” he questions her trembling back, well aware of the others lurking in the windows on the side of the front door.

She doesn’t reply, instead whipping around looking murderous and so defeated all at once, and Erik knows what she is going to do before she does it, so he takes a step forward and opens his arms.

“Erik,” she whimpers, crumbling forward into him, fisting her hands roughly into his shirt.

“Raven, what’s wrong?” he whispers into her hair, turning his back to the window so her face is blocked by his broad shoulders.

“Everything. My brother is falling apart and I can’t stop it, I can’t help him and it’s all your fault,” she cries, remembering she is supposed to be angry, trying to get out of Erik’s grip, “Let go of me.”

“No,” he murmurs soothingly, just standing there as Raven’s shoulders shake and the front of his shirt becomes wetter and wetter. Once it seems like she is a bit calmer, he reaches up and runs a hand through her red hair, remarking, “You’re actually you today. What’s this, blondes don’t do it for you anymore?”

Raven muffles what sounds like a hysterical laugh into his chest, before pulling her head back and looking up at him with a small tear stained smile, “I didn’t have the energy this morning to care.”

“Is it that bad?” Erik presses gently, unsure of everything now.

“It’s that bad and worse,” she sighs, pulling away again and this time he lets her go.

“I do hate you, you know,” she pouts, and she’s looking away, biting at her lip, warring emotions on her face, “I should hate you for what you did to my brother. And what you did to us, just leaving us like we didn’t matter. I should make you leave.”

Erik doesn’t know how to reply to this, but he’s opening his mouth anyway, because he can’t let her just condemn him like everyone else has, can’t let her turn him away, “Raven, I-.”

He stops, confused when she puts a hand over his mouth, voice choking as she whispers, “But you’re here now, right? And that’s all that matters. We can fix this. _You_ can fix this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thanks to Victoria and Jay for reading this chapter in it's early stages! Much love <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this has taken so long, it's actually been done for a while now, I was just waiting for it to be beta'd. I shall post it now and then come back later and fix it because I don't want to keep you waiting <3 <3 Enjoy!
> 
> Edit: Edits made!

 

There were seven other minds in the house. There should have only been six; Raven and Hank, Alex and Darwin, Alex and Sean. This was the first thing that registered in Charles’ mind, the second being that he was the only one in the room. All of the children, and the mysterious stranger, must be down at breakfast.

He spares a smile, touched that they’d taken such care not to wake him as they exited the room, before going to brush his teeth and be rid of the vile tasting reminder of the night before. While he brushes, he eyes himself in the medicine cabinet, detachedly observing the bags under his eyes and the way his beard looks as if he hadn’t shaved in weeks. His eyes once so bright and keenly blue are dull and red rimmed, darting back and forth over his visage.

“What did you expect, Charles, old boy? You should try to take better care of yourself,” he whispers to the mirror, replacing his toothbrush and stepping out of the bathroom. He thinks of changing into fresher clothes, but he has no energy or desire to shed the ratty old t-shirt the room’s previous occupant had left behind, or the ancient pajama pants that had belonged to his father, so donning a robe he deems himself acceptable and heads to the kitchen.

He will pretend everything is okay, and both he and the children will pretend last night had never happened, for his sake. He pastes a smile on his face and steps into the kitchen, singing out, “Good morning everyone. Darwin, coffee if you will?”

Darwin nods his assent jumping up, and Charles belatedly notices how everyone is seated at the far end of the massive table, with the exception of two people. Raven, blue, as she often is these days, is sitting somewhere in the middle like she is the bridge between the others and the man seated alone at the opposite end of the table, the man who has frozen with his fork halfway to his face at the sound of Charles’ voice, who is facing away from Charles. His mind radiating nothing but wariness anddesperate longing.

Charles can’t see his face, doesn’t want to see his face. But he knows his body knows who this stranger is in the way the tension in his shoulders can’t decide whether to relax or increase, by the way his palms begin to moisten, or the way his heart is clenching painfully. _Erik._

Erik whirls around at the mental intrusion, eyes wary and only because he must know this man better than any other Charles can see a hint of fear hiding deep in that swirling grey green, a feeling of hesitancy enveloping him.

“Charles?” Erik whispers, climbing to his feet, knocking over the chair in his haste, stepping forward and suddenly the children disappear and Erik is all he can see, all he can breathe, all that he needs.

“Erik,” Charles sighs, and his voice hitches, because for a moment it all comes back. There are tears crowding his eyes again, he can’t be here in this room with this man, the man who ripped his heart into shreds, the man who he wants to do nothing more to than to fall into his arms. Erik can’t fix it when he was the one who ruined it in the first place. 

He stumbles back, turning to run, but suddenly there is a strong hand on his arm, tightening, pulling him around and dragging him forward until there are lips- blessed, demanding, pleading lips- pressed firmly against his own, followed by a desperate whimper that neither man is sure where it came from.

 _This_. This is all Charles wants. This is what he craves and if he can just stay like this for the rest of eternity everything else will cease to matter, so his whimper turns into a sigh of his lover’s name passed between shallow gasps for air as Charles scrambles forward and wraps his arms tightly around Erik’s neck. Erik’s arms immediately pull Charles firmly against his lean body and it’s so much, it’s too much after so little, after-

“No Erik,” he pants, releasing his hold and pushing away, struggling to free himself. He shouldn’t want this as much as he does, he can’t, because he is not this weak, he is Charles Xavier and he is stronger than this, than this need and desire, and Erik hurt him. Erik turned him into damaged goods, broke him into tiny microscopic pieces that he then scattered to the winds and his brain is screaming at him to _retreat, forget, stop this_.

And the pain is too much, locked away, returning full force with no chance of time healing anything , it’s ripping through him until he feels he might become two, and he’s crying out, sobbing, falling backwards, his eyes closing as he slips into blissful silence.

~

Erik doesn’t know what to make of anything. He shouldn’t have reacted so rashly, shouldn’t have kissed Charles, but he’d been so close, and the hurt and confusion in his eyes had made all rationality flee Erik’s mind. _His_ Charles didn’t look like that. His Charles wore his dorky cardigans, was always freshly shaved, never had a trace of worry on his face, but this Charles, _this_ Charles was a man who had been stripped of something vital, something he desperately needed.

This Charles had no spark of love in his eyes when he’d seen Erik sitting back at the table and that had been the deciding factor right there. He had to make Charles know who he was; make him see that they were meant to be together. He had to show him how perfectly their mouths melded together, how easily they became one. Remind him of what had been not too long ago.

Charles had remembered. The way he’s sighed Erik’s name had sounded like a praise and a plea all at once, an admission that had been Charles’ undoing, making him fall limp in Erik’s embrace.

“Charles?” he calls, gently shaking the other man, while he is steadily being surrounded by the kids. Aware that they’ve been present the entire time, ignoring his red swollen lips, he turns to them and explains, “He’s just fainted. I’ll take him up to his room and put him to bed.”

He’s scooped Charles into his arms and is exiting the room when Raven lays an arm on his back, halting him, saying quietly, “It’s best if you put him in your bed, he likes waking up there.”

“I’ll come with you,” Angel adds, “then I’ll stay with him when you come back downstairs.”

“I’m staying with him,” Erik protests but stops when he sees the slow shake of Raven’s head.

“I think we all need to talk about this before he wakes up,” she sighs, reaching out for Hank’s hand, “But you can stay with him for a minute if it makes you feel better.”

He notices Hank readily reaching out as well, Sean and Alex shifting closer together, and Darwin wrapping an arm around Angel’s shoulders as he leaves the room and wonders what else he has missed.

 

~

 

“Do you think the professor will be okay?” Sean asks, not once taking his eyes off the TV screen because while he is losing spectacularly to Alex, he also doesn’t want to see his worry echoed in the other boy’s eyes.

Alex and Sean have been banished to the den while Erik, Raven, Hank, and Darwin speak. Deemed too young even though they are only one and two years younger, respectively, than everyone else, they’d found solace in a mass video game battle and each other. Like Alex had told Sean, Marvel vs Capcom could solve any problem a guy could have.

“Yeah, man, him and Erik’ll work it out. You saw how worried Erik was in the kitchen, he’ll fix it,” Alex replies, darting a look at his red haired friend before doing a particularly nasty combo on his controller and winning his second match, “One more and I win.”

He smiles at Sean, successfully distracted from worrying about the professor while he grumbles about Alex being an insufferable cheater.

“Sean, you’re such a sore loser,” he laughs, punching the other in the arm, “I’ll go easy on you this time.”

“Don’t go easy on me, that’s lame, dude. I can so beat you. I just have to concentrate, so shut up and quit talking,” Sean growls, mashing all of the keys furiously and still managing to get his butt kicked.

“ _DANTE WINS!”_ flashes across the screen followed by a cheering Alex pumping his fist into the air, making obnoxious whooping noises while Sean flops backwards, throwing his hands over his eyes.

“I hate you, Alex, you suck,” Sean groans but the other boy is silent and Sean can feel his eyes boring intently into his skin, “What?”

“Nothing,” Alex says quickly, and by the time Sean opens his eyes the other is staring red faced, determinedly at the screen, “Rematch?” 

“Duh,” and they’re off, hitting combinations of x, circle, square, up, up, down until it’s been another two rounds and Alex is almost winning the third, giving him the best three out of five, so Sean does the only thing he can think of and throws himself sideways, knocking Alex onto his back and straddling his hips, determinedly pressing x and r2 the whole time, craning his neck around to see the tv.

“Sean, what the hell are you doing?” Alex asks, sounding strangled, but Sean can’t see his face because he’s staring determinedly at the screen where he is finally in the lead, so when Alex bucks his groin, trying to launch Sean off and failing, he doesn’t notice the startled gasp  that issues from the blond’s mouth.

“What’s it look like I’m doing? I am owning your ass,” Sean mumbles, concentrating all his attention on the game. Until Alex grabs his hips and shifts him backwards a little, more into his lap so that he can sit up and peer over the boys shoulder. He’s expecting to start losing again now that Alex can see the screen. Instead he can feel shallow breathing fanning his neck, it tickles and makes him _want_ at the same time. He will not think about the fact that he is closer to the boy than he has ever been.

He can ignore it, he will ignore it, he has to ignore it- until Alex leans forward and _licks_ where his neck meets his shoulders, and his tongue is hot and pulling strings deep in Sean that he won’t even acknowledge, and he’s gasping, dropping the controller between them.

“Alex?” he asks, his voice shaking. He should get off of Alex’s lap but Alex’s cock is stirring beneath him, and his own cock is beginning to take an interest so he twists his hips and grinds down, eliciting a muffled moan from Alex.

“I had to, you have so many freckles, I just want to connect the dots,” Alex gasps explaining as he pushes upwards, trying to help Sean create some type of friction and when that isn’t enough he surges forward, trapping Sean beneath him and  rubbing roughly against him, the controller trapped between them.

“Alex,” Sean tries again, because _what_ are they doing? This won’t end well for their friendship, he’s about to say so except they must have pushed his character into dangerous territory with their movements because the controller is _vibrating_ and Alex’s hand is slipping easily between them, lazily stroking Sean through his jeans, while finally capturing his mouth.

“Sean,” he breathes, lips barely far enough from his to form words, and he’s asking permission, if this is okay, and _god yes_ because Sean _wants_ this, and he’s practically mewling his approval, Alex angling Sean’s face up with his free hand before slipping his tongue inside.

The feeling of Alex claiming his mouth, shamelessly devouring it while his hand continues palming his erection is too much. Sean keens, the noise loud enough to make the other shudder, painfully building in his ears, and Alex smashes his mouth closer, licking his way in, pressing so that Sean’s mouth is fully covered by his own and he can easily swallow Sean’s cries.

“Shh, or someone will hear us,” he laughs huskily when they pull apart for air, placing a warning finger on Sean’s lips, not expecting the red head to open his mouth and _suck_ his finger in, humming appreciatively at the expressions crossing Alex’s face; shock, surprise, settling quickly on lust.

“Fuck, Sean,” he grunts, sliding over, positioning a thigh between his legs and thrusting down hard, irregularly, working up a rhythm, and their clothes are too much, but he can’t stop, can’t be bothered to leave off long enough take off anything.

“Yes, _fuck Sean_ , please do,” Sean growls, hooking a leg around Alex and tugging him closer, biting gently on the finger in his mouth as Alex’s mouth becomes intimately acquainted with his neck, sucking, nibbling, licking, almost _purring_ like he is a fucking cat, and Sean is grinning at the thought until Alex’s tongue finds his left nipple through his shirt, his hand moving under his shirt to tease the other.

“Do you have freckles _everywhere_ Sean?” he asks, because suddenly he must know, because he needs to see every single one right then and there. Sean nods eagerly, eagerly helping Alex with the buttons on his shirt, since there is no way Alex is getting his hand back unless he wants the whole house rushing in to see what the commotion is about.

As soon as the shirt is out of the way, Alex stops all movement, removing his hand from Sean’s mouth to slowly trace his fingers through the freckles on his bare skin, playing his own secret version of connect the dots, as he thinks of what it is they are doing. It tickles a little, but Sean resists the urge to squirm, leaning into the touch, eyes fluttering closed, simply feeling.

“Sean?” Alex whispers, breaking through the other’s haze, watching as Sean cracks an eye open and stares at him sleepily.

“Hnn?” Sean murmurs, pulling his hand up to his mouth and kissing it languidly, already knowing what Alex will say before he says it, because why else would he have stopped?

“Can we take this slow? I don’t want to mess it up … Like the professor and Erik,” Alex sighs, rolling his body over until he is lying next to Sean, positioning his body on Sean’s chest, directly over his heart, fingers still tracing their nonsense pattern.

“Yeah,” Sean sighs, not even caring that he’s probably going to have to rub one out later in the shower, since Alex has given him enough visual and auditory stimulation. He smiles contentedly, wrapping an arm around Alex suggesting, “Let’s take a nap, and _then_ I’ll finish beating your ass with Marvel characters.”

“Sean, you dumbass, you were _losing_ ,” Alex protested, slapping Sean’s stomach.

“I won that last match, though,” Sean says smugly with a smirk and Alex doesn’t even bother dignifying that with an answer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So once again I will make edits later, promise. Also thank you thank you thank you to my beautiful Stavier for giving me opinions and feedback and even corrrections, much love darling~~! <3
> 
> EDIT: Edits made :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this was written like a month or more ago, and I forgot I had it so here you go. Haha.

Angel pokes her head out of Erik’s old room and calls out, “Erik?”

He pauses, halfway down the hall, his duffle bag tucked loosely under an arm.

“Angel?” he prompts, turning around fast enough to see the panicked expression that is warring with abandonment on her face before a neutral mask covers everything.

“Are you,” she pauses, not even wanting to ask the rest of the question lest her world crumble _again_ , but forging on when Erik merely raised an eyebrow, to ask, “Are you leaving again?”

And she might have tried to fight it, but a tear is gathering in the corner of her eye, fighting gravity and rapidly losing. Next a slight tremble in her chin, almost hidden by her hand coming up to cover her face, only she isn’t fast enough and it is all there plain as day for Erik to see.

“Angel, come here,” Erik orders, holding his hands open for the second time that day and he can’t help but wonder how many times he will be doomed to repeat this action. He is not keen on having his shirt soaked through with tears again but he dutifully stands there as the girl cautiously moves closer and closer, arms wrapping tightly around him in turn.

“When you left, we weren’t a family anymore. Everything was so broken,” Angel whimpers, “And I can’t live like that anymore Erik. I want to be happy.”

 “Angel, I’m just putting my things in Charles’ room. Since he took mine,” Erik explains and he knows he should address what the girl has just said but he really doesn’t know how to handle something like that, so he just says what he can.

But it must have been enough because Angel is stepping back, wiping her eyes, with an assessing, “You’re alright Lehnsherr,” before she takes back off down the hall. He’s not quite sure what to do with that either so he just shrugs and continues on to Charles’ room.

Inside he closes and locks the door behind himself, dumping his bag on the floor while he breathes in heavily, trying to fill himself with the scent of Charles. He feels an ache in his chest knowing that he can’t hold Charles in his arms, that it is all his fault. It hurts.

But he isn’t ready to deal with all of these emotions so he leaves the room, heads to the kitchen to speak with the others, all the while thinking Charles had felt this way bad enough to get rid of him.

 

~

“So Erik, how are we going to fix this?” Raven asks, and she’s leaning forward over the table, chin resting on her hands with such conviction in her eyes. Conviction that everything will be okay, but Erik’s not sure how to feel about it, because what if they can’t help her brother?

The only thing that he can take comfort in is that they are now a ‘we’ and not a ‘you’. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t think he can do this on his own. He needs his family. And the word makes him freeze, falls into his stomach like an uncomfortable, familiar clump of metal.

Erik Lehnsherr has a family. He doesn’t know how or why it happened, but he knows that he almost lost them, that he almost gave them up simply because he was afraid. He didn’t fight for them, these children who needed him. He didn’t even fight for Charles, Charles who had known him better than he himself had and still chose to love him anyway.

Erik had run, had tucked tail and bolted before he could get too comfortable, before he could become a part of their family. He’d thought he could avoid it. But now he knows that it had already been too late. He was as much a part of them as they were of him. And he might have known that from the start.

“Erik?” Darwin prods, slapping his hand impatiently on the table and jerking Erik out of his thoughts, “Hello?”

 Erik is opening his mouth, and really he isn’t going to say anything _nasty_ , but Raven must think he is because she’s holding up both hands, and pleading, “Guys, c’mon, can we be nice to each other for ten minutes? If we can’t get along, how on earth are we going to accomplish anything but bickering?”

Erik smiles at her, the biggest, warmest smile he can muster, even though it feels weird on his face and manages to get out half of a syllable before Hank is glaring at him and he is interrupted _again_  when Hank says,” And smartass comments aren’t necessary.”

“Okay, shut up and listen, because I am only going to say this once and I don’t do that _feelings_ shit,” Erik snarls and finally they all shut their mouths, staring at him in alarm, “I made a mistake, leaving Charles, and you stupid kids and I’m sorry. Things started to get comfortable and too picket fence for my tastes so I left. Which was obviously the wrong thing to do, and I’ve seen the consequences, so now I’m here for good, to fix it, and have my family back. So if you don’t like it I don’t care. Suck it up.”

Everyone is silent, just staring at him. Raven looks proud, but everyone else is looking at him like he’s just manifested a second mutation, like a tail or a second head.

Finally Hank nods in acceptance and says, “Okay, so what do we do? Any ideas?”

“Nothing that we haven’t alre-,” Darwin is saying but Erik is holding up his hand for silence because he’s having _another_ revelation and he can’t loose it.

See how readily they’ve accepted you back, his brain is screaming at him, and he can see it is true in the way Darwin’s shoulders have gone from rigid to relaxed, or the way Hank’s hand has stopped twitching because he’s done fighting the urge to strangle him, and the way Raven has been counting on him all along.

Trust. He needs to get Charles to trust him again, to assure him that he is never leaving his side. And if he has to live with being forgotten, then so be it. He can start over new, make Charles fall in love with him all over again, do it right this time without being doomed to his past mistakes.

“I’m going to fix this, guys. I promise. I have an idea,” Erik says, standing and moving to leave the room.

“Where are you going?” Darwin asks suspiciously, and Raven just stares at him with knowing eyes. Like she knew the solution the whole time but was just waiting for him to catch up.

“I’ll be back, I have to do something. Something for Charles,” he explains, turning to Raven, “You know I’ll come back right? I’ll come home.”

Raven stands and walks slowly over to him. Taking his face between her hands, she stares into his eyes for a long minute before kissing him on the cheek, and saying,” The door is always open, Erik.”

He nods and then without another word, leaves the mansion.

“Forgiveness is one thing, but can we really trust him?” Darwin asks, staring at Raven, almost willing her to tell him whatever it is he has missed.

“He loves Charles more than any of us know. More than he knows, I think. Otherwise he wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn’t have come back. So what else can we do but trust him?” she says, thinking aloud, “And he needs us to trust him. He isn’t used to this. It’s why he left. We need to help him adjust guys. We need to be here for him as much as we were for Charles.”

~

Charles rolls over with a groan. His head is pounding and he isn’t quite sure why. He remembers going down for breakfast, and then meeting Erik. Erik, who he knows has done something to hurt him, he can’t quite remember what, and regardless of that information he had kissed the man.

He felt like he owed the man an apology for the kiss itself, but he also felt like whatever the man had done to wrong him sort of crossed that apology out. If anything Charles was warranted an apology from Erik.

But none of this came close to explaining why he had kissed the man in the first place, and his head wasn’t helping matters so he brought his fingers to his temple, concentrating briefly on dispelling the migraine.

“Goodness Xavier, you really need to stop drinking, it impairs your life decisions,” he mumbles to himself, massaging his head and the moment his feet hit the floor he decides he is done with alcohol.

In fact, he’s done doing … whatever it is he’s been doing. It’s time for him to return to normal, to be the Charles that everyone knows and loves. It’s almost like the air in the house has changed, he can feel a strong undercurrent of hope, instead of the fear and uncertainty he’s been feeling the past few weeks. There’s something else, something much stronger but he can’t quite put a finger on what it is, so he ignores it and continues on whistling merrily.

He showers, shaves, puts on his own freshly laundered clothes and heads down to the library where he promptly locks the alcohol cabinet and tosses the key out the window. It seems a bit dramatic but this way he’ll at least have to put a bit of effort into getting drunk again.

It’s sometime around three and he wants to see what everyone is up to so he heads to the den, because it’s closest, where he can feel two minds.

He’s surprised to see Alex and Sean curled around each other, Sean sans a shirt, but he suspects there is a lot going on that he hasn’t noticed lately so he turns off the television and exits the room, looking for everyone else.

Hank and Raven appear to be deep in conversation in the lab so he leaves them silently, not alerting them to his presence. He finds Angel and Darwin in the backyard practicing. He thinks he’ll make dinner and they’ll maybe have another family night when he hears the front door open.

“Dear god, what is that on your head, Erik?” he asks, completely able to block out the cartwheel his stomach does at the name due to the need to laugh at the ridiculous metal helmet the man is wearing.

Erik stares at him intensely before saying sternly, “Charles, we need to talk.”

The utterance is a bit intimidating, but Charles knows it’s true and so follows the taller man through the house to the library where they sit on opposite sides of the chess set, a game still set up in mid play.

It feels oddly familiar, but Charles just smiles at                 Erik, saying, “Shall we start a game while we speak, my friend?”

At those words, Erik makes a strange face, happy and pained all at once. Charles is curious as to why, reaching out with his powers to lightly scan his emotions when he is blocked by a wall. A wall, that on further inspection, has a slightly metallic feel with the smoothest walls and absolutely no chinks or scratches.

He glances up at Erik, suspiciously, eyes narrowed, to which Erik says, “Charles. I’ll explain, I assure you. But you have to promise to listen.”  

“Well I suppose I have no choice do I?” Charles harrumphs, moving to put all the pieces back in their correct places.

“Charles, please,” Erik asks, and he reaches over the table to grab Charles’ hand, clasping it between his own, as he continues, his eyes red and a slight waver in his otherwise firm voice, “Just listen to me. I’m trying to fix this, I want to help you.”

“All right, Erik. I’ll listen,” Charles says quietly, slightly thawed because he knows without a shadow of a doubt that Erik does not plead, does not say please or try to soothe and yet here he is doing it for Charles, “If you’ll be so kind as to let go of my hand.”

Erik does so smiling, “I meant to stop you from clearing our old game, but I think a new start is best for both of us.”

Charles isn’t sure about them having ever played chess before, but in the spirit of politeness he nods and replies, “A new start is best for all.”

So they clear the board and start anew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we have it. The last chapter.... I thought this was a good place to end it and my darling Stavier agrees. Also if I get more plot bunnies, I can easily do a sequel but ending my only big fic frees up time for me to finish the other five million little stories I have...


End file.
